Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
