Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
