Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
