"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
