Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
