please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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