i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
