i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
