Don't you send me to vm
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
