yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
