why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just gift wrapped bread.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
