***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
