Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
