please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
