The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
