the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
