I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
