I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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