Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
