How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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