Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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