Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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