What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Never joke about your clitoris.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
