My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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