Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
