Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
