Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
