Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
