I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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