we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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