My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
