I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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