can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
