Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
