Three words: puerto rican gang bang
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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