haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
