I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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