I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
