Your dad touched me again.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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