Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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