ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
