She said her name was "party"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
