In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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