If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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