So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
