I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
