Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
