I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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