i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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