awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
